Top of the Key | Blokkervil River: Rethinking Basketball Nicknames

Basketball nicknames, once a proud tradition (The Big Dipper, Wilt the Stilt, The Round Mound of Rebound, Pistol Pete, The Hick from French Lick, Plastic Man, to name a few) have fallen on hard times. D-Wade? T-Mac? Timmy? C-Bosh? Are these even nicknames?

Ok, so Birdman (Chris Andersen) and the Red Mamba (Matt Bonner) are GOOD, but overall we’ve gotten lazy when it comes to bestowing flowery and colorful ‘nom de hoops’ on our hardwood heroes.

Here is a fresh batch of aliases for our Finals-embroiled competitors. You’re welcome, sorry.


Is he really human? Or is he a cyborg? It’s hard to tell sometimes. From the day he stepped on a basketball court Lebron has had a laughably superior set of physical and mental abilities. What makes me really suspect he’s inhuman, however, are photos like the one above.

He’s not breathing through his mouth–he’s not even winded. Unless his nasal passages are as oversized as his biceps, something is wrong here. Fire up the Voight-Kampff machine. Continue reading →